last post till may 20th

its an odd situation. best laid plans backfiring, downhill social life, weeks of effort and little succour.

i have reached the climax of 2 years of high expectations- near achievements-unexpected failures.
like the arch existentialist i am, i'll like to believe that the failures, like many of earlier successes are entirely my doing, but when a host of actors start questioning you on the same it becomes difficult.

i stepped out of college in may 2005, into a life pregnant with possibilities. a good economics degree from a good college. i always loved tempting fate. i took my chance. i gave the civil services exam 12 days after my last exam. may 15th.i never knew how fundamentally my life will be changed.

2 months of dilling dallying about the second subject i were to take made little difference. and suddenly i found i was through . next was the mains. October November 2005. i just hung on and gave a decent exam. 4 more months in wilderness. suddenly it was the interview. devoid of preparation it went badly. that was April 2006. next blow was jaundice which happened just somewhere at the same time.

may 8th i got to know my final results. negative. may 14th was the next PT. i somehow gathered my sickened body to give the exam. next two months were spent in getting back to optimal health.

slogged for 3 months and gave the next mains. CAT was 10 days after my mains. my love for tempting fate resurfaced. gave the CAT.got 98 percentile. too confident about my ias results i didn bother much.

in an anticlimax, i scored in a manner i never have previously. didn't even make it to the interview.

may 20th is the next PT.so bowing to the larger realities of life, i'll have to get studying.

suddenly, a horde of relatives have sensed what's wrong with me. overconfidence.
somehow, even though i hardly bother with any of them ,they have high stakes in me. my throwing away a good cat score became a personal affront to many. their line of argument was that i was "lucky" enough to get a good percentile, which may not happen again.

almost every character in my life believes that i lack direction/conviction. to the extent that it took toll on multiple relationships.
i am being suggested to take classes which make me employable.....lol.

grrr...gimme a break. [:)]


for all my wins and losses i don't blame any one.

i just am trying to live my dreams. i may fail in the process, i am entirely aware of the consequences that await me, but these imperatives won't change the person i am.

and despite all provocations i'll continue being myself.

sorry fellas about this online catharsis. i can't find anyone offline intelligent enough to make sense ( at least on this moment)

"jindagi badi honi chahiye, lambi nahi"


to the one dreamer that lives in all our hearts...


just remembered a song " ye jo jindagi hai , koi karwa hai, kahan ja rahi hai......."